The Outsider - Part 10

She lived her life. There were still the odd clashes with her Father but she could walk away from those now. She had her own home and her own life. As a single Mother she had happy times and difficult times and times where she had her heart broken. She had a couple of relationships with men but in the end she was always betrayed by them. She allowed her ex-husband to see his son even though he never paid maintenance. She did not want her son to one day turn around and say that she had denied him his father. She also knew though that her son would one day find out exactly what his father was about.

Love??...??

What we call love is really a whole spectrum of relating, reaching from the earth to the sky. At the most earthy level, love is sexual attraction. Many of us remain stuck there, because our conditioning has burdened our sexuality with all kinds of expectations and repressions. Actually the biggest "problem" with sexual love is that it never lasts. Only if we accept this fact can we then really celebrate it for what it is - welcome its happening, and say goodbye with gratitude when it's not. Very few people know what love is. Ninety-nine percent of people, unfortunately, think sexuality is love - it is not. Sexuality is very animal, it certainly has the potential of growing into love, but it is not actual love, only a potential ... Three things are to be taken note of: the lowest love is sex - it is physical - and the highest refinement of love is compassion. Sex is below love, compassion is above love; love is exactly in the middle.

Then, as we mature, we begin to experience the love that exists beyond sexuality and honors the unique individuality of the other. We begin to understand that our partner often functions as a mirror, reflecting unseen aspects of our deeper self and supporting us to become whole. When your love is not just a desire for the other, when your love is not only a need, when your love is a sharing, when your love is not that of a beggar but an emperor, when your love is not asking for something in return but is ready only to give - to give for the sheer joy of giving - This love is based in freedom, not in expectation or need. It's wings take us higher and higher towards the universal love that experiences all as one.

The Outsider - Part 9

A new chapter of her life. She lived in a bachelor flat for one year after the divorce with her son whereafter she moved back to her home town to be closer to her Mother. They had formed a much stronger bond between one another after the birth of her son. While she was still married, her Father surprised her when he asked her to hold her six week old son. Strangely enough a bond was formed between Grandfather and grandson from that moment which lasted until the old man's passing. There were already two other grandson's in the family from one of the older sister's, but he had never asked to hold one of them when they were born....Eventually the sister who lived miles and miles away also had two sons .... how ironic .... Three of his daughter's had produced son's ......

The Outsider - Part 8

She dated her boyfriend during college, after college moved in with him, found work and lived her daily life. By 1988 she was married and had a son....And there it started... her life of “happy ever after” changed ... in fact it actually already changed when she went into labour with her son .... her then husband barely made it in time for the birth and the next day there she was..... A new mother waiting for her husband to come visit and see his son. Morning went by.... lunchtime came and went.... tea time came and went and finally after supper time – there he was. Where was he? Oh, he had been out partying....That was the beginning of the end .... He started drinking, gambling and the arguments eventually were a part of daily life ....there were times he did not come home after an evening out .... she was always left alone with the baby .....eventually she had enough ....by February 1990 she was divorced, 23 years old with a son of 18months old.....

For four years after the divorce she tried to claim maintenance for her son .... the endless hassle with attorneys and sitting in court rooms waiting for her ex-husband to show up .... she eventually gave up the fight .... she accepted she would have to raise her son on her own....

The Outsider - Part 7

Her sister's say she had it easy. Yes, perhaps she possibly did. Perhaps it was because she just stayed out of his way. At least she did not get beaten black and blue. Her Dad had this sjambok/whip which thankfully he never used on her but had used it on her sister's. So here perhaps came the jealousy or whatever from the older sister's. The sister's say she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Yeah right! Just because she did not get beaten did not mean that she too was not abused. It all came down to emotional and verbal abuse.

At 18 she left home! During her college year she met her now ex-husband and father of her son. It was after college that she left home and moved in with him. She ofcourse at that time when she left home thought that “this is it” – finally she was free .....

The Outsider - Part 6

Time passed. As time went by that little girl so desperately wanted to feel the love of her father. So desperately wanted his approval. So she became a Tom Boy. She hated dresses! The only dress she wore was her school dress. Other than that it was jeans or shorts. The only time she could win her father's favour was when they went on holiday. She would help him with the caravan. She would help clean it up. She would then help him to hook it onto the car. Then she would help him to make sure all the indicators and lights worked. Then she wanted a fishing rod so that she could go fishing with her Dad. Oh, that was so great when he taught her how to put bait on the hook and then how to cast the line and then wait with her finger on the line for a bite. She cherished that time. She would get smiles of encouragement from her Dad. Then there were times where she would go to where he ran his transport business from and sometimes he would ask her to pass him screw drivers or spanners when he was working on an engine. And so slowly he would have time for her. But, that time was always somehow about how she had to prove herself. Almost like a competition between them. And only if she measured up did she get that winning smile. If she did not measure up – well the wrath that came with that is unexplainable..... Time passed ... the girl went to High School ... the boyish clothes became more feminine .... The iron fist still ruled. She was not allowed out to disco's. She could go to movies with her friends but had to be back home by 22:00. She had her episodes with her Dad concerning “boyfriends” that never really lasted as she had to see them behind her father's back but, he inevitably found out about them and all hell would break loose. Those “episodes” resulted in times where he never spoke to her for what felt like a life time! Or alternatively she would be glared at with those ice blue eyes of his..... if looks could kill ....?

The Outsider - Part 5 - Christmas

A recollection which was the most remembered ... Christmas. That was her late Father's “favourite” (sarcastic) time of year. He made sure he spoiled Christmas for everyone. Every year! He would cause an argument with her late Mother over the smallest thing. Sometimes he just disappeared and only came back a few days later. There were times that he got violent with her Mother. Her Mother however still made Christmas special for the girls even though their Father had ruined it. Oh how she loved Christmas time even though most memories of Christmas are'nt so great. Her Mother would start baking biscuits towards the end of November. She was so good at baking. The little girl used to sit and wait for her Mother to finish with the dough mixture and would get to lick out the bowl! The aroma of fresh baked biscuits permeated the air. A very vivid memory she has was of a time when her Mother took her outside in the late afternoon as the sun was setting. The sky was a blazing red/orange colour like an inferno and her Mother said to her that it was Father Christmas' oven. He and his helpers were baking Christmas cookies. She will never forget that!! They always celebrated on Christmas Eve. The Christmas tree would be decorated. Then they would have a special meal – either roast lamb, or Turkey or Gammon – all depending, with roast potatoes and vegetables and ofcourse desert. After dinner the children would suddenly have to run some or other errand and then when they returned their Mother would say that they had just missed Father Christmas. He had come to put the presents under the Christmas tree. Then they would run into the lounge to discover the presents under the Christmas tree. So time went by..... Christmas changed after her Mother passed away ....... By then the girl was a grown woman. She took over the baking of the biscuits for Christmas. The presents under the tree were no more..... the present became an envelope with money .... as appreciated as the money was .... it just killed the excitement of Christmas...... After her Father passed away she approached the sister's and suggested that the envelope be scrapped. The excitement was in opening a present and not knowing what was under the wrapping paper.... any gift would do ... it did not have to be extravagant .... it was more about finding a present under the Christmas tree and ripping the gift wrap off and then finding something that was chosen by the person who gave you the gift!! That was what was special!! These last two Christmas' were wonderful .... there were presents under the Christmas tree .... oh what happiness ... and the memories more special ....