My Sad Christmas Song

...My True Love Aint here...

It Is Christmas 2015

Where does time go? Another year just about to end! Crazy how it is a race against time to get everything organised for Christmas. So many things to be done. BUT, they are all self imposed things. That is just how things are in this family. I guess it all goes back to the days we were children and we watched how our Mother raced around to get things done. Those "things" were passed on to us. So there I am doing the things that my Mother used to do. The house needs to be super clean. Every little nook and cranny vacuumed and dusted. Then there is the garden. I do not have a very big garden but still it is quite energy sapping when I begin to trim the edges with the weed eater, especially when there is one of our famous heat waves! 36 Deg C!!! Who in their right mind does gardening in a heat wave? Hahaha...clearly I am not in my right mind...teeheehee. Then next after the edges are trimmed, the lawn gets mowed. After that I find myself on hands and knees weeding the weeds out the lawn and flower bed. And then finally I have the saw and clippers and all the shrubs and trees get a good trimming!! Then there is the baking to be done. Christmas just is not the same without my Mom's Christmas biscuits - so, two days are spent in the kitchen...again let me tell you...not a pleasant place to be in a heat wave! BUT...the baking has to be done. The Christmas tree needs to be decorated and finally last on the list...ofcourse, the Christmas gifts need to be bought, so off to the Mall I go.  By the time I have done my whole ritual my feet are aching, my back is sore and I am drained! Then Christmas Eve arrives and all the baking and gifts get packed in the car and off I go to my sister Angie. The Christmas biscuits and sweets and nuts get distributed out into the Christmas platters and the last touches are done to finish off the cooking of the Gammon, roast potatoes, rice, broccoli and cheese bake, butternut and salad and desert. We all lend a hand where needed - my sisters, Angie and Rita, my niece, Julie. This year was a really nice Christmas Eve. This year my nephew Donovan, his wife Julie and their kids, Chase and Hayden joined us. They usually go to Julie's parents in the Drakensberg for Christmas but this year they spent it with us. My little niece Jamie, went to her father for Christmas. Such a pity, it would have been super if she were there too, but, that is one of those things when there is a parent involved from a previous marriage. Sadly my sister Karin and her husband Werner and my nephews Martin and Stefan were not able to join us again. They are in Cape Town. And then finally Christmas day arrives. A glorious day where I can chill with my feet up, my nose in a good book and thinking over the year gone by. Thinking and missing those who cannot be with me on Christmas day. So, to end off on this beautiful, cool (yes, cool - we have finally had some rain and the sky is grey) day, I wish you all a FAB-ulous festive season.

This Is South Africa

https://vimeo.com/131669879

Do You Remember...I Remember

Do you remember when I told you not to be alarmed if a fat man climbs through your bedroom window and kidnaps you. It's just Santa coming for you as I had told him I want you for Christmas...I do.  Do you remember when I got you to listen to the song "Collide"? I do. Do you remember what signs I asked you to look out for? I do. Do you remember when you got me to listen to the song "Lady In Red"? I do. I remember how special it made me feel. I remember the feeling of how my heart expanded with this enormous amount of love for you. I thought my heart would burst with happiness. Do you remember what I was wearing when you played that song? I do. Do you remember how exciting it was to wake up each new day just to discover what message I had left you? Do you remember that other hilarious song you made me listen to - "Mi aguita amarilla". I laughed so much the tears were running down my face. I still laugh every now and then when I wash the dishes as inevitably it will remind of that song. Do you remember how hard you were studying for exams? I do. Do you remember that photo of you wearing your purple t-shirt with Gato sitting on your chest? That was my favourite photo. I had it in a frame on my bedside table. The day my world fell apart, so did we. The day I found that we were no more I took that photo and ripped it into a thousand little pieces. I was so angry. So angry that all that I had worked for in terms of work was ripped away from me and at the same time the person that I loved the most was also gone from my life. But, ripping that photo into a thousand little pieces did me no good. That photo was imprinted in my mind and my heart. Today I am so grateful for that because today, when I picture that photo it brings a huge smile to my face. It reminds me of the most happiest time in my life. My time with you. I had a lot of anger, sadness and bitterness to work through afterwards. The day you left my life was like a divorce for me. My actual divorce was never as painful to me, perhaps because I was the one that left the marriage or perhaps it was because it brought me so much relief to get out of that marriage as it certainly was not a happy one. I had so much pain and anger and sadness in me when you left my life it actually made me ill. Do you know that it is a fact that 90% of women that get divorced end up with breast cancer? But that is all in the past. I think my journey forward has made me a better person and a much stronger person. No. In fact I know it has. I look at the world through different eyes. I treasure the time we had and I am grateful that I had the privilege of having you in my life. I gave you a hard time some times and I apologise for that. I know you really did love me. All of what you did proved that to me. You were the most romantic guy ever!! When I reflect back on past relationships I cannot even think of not one happy moment when I think of the others. How can I when the bad overshadows each and every one of them? My ex husband used me as a punching bag when he got drunk. I had two other relationships where I had a gun held to my head!! The one told me that he would shoot me if I left him. His brother-in-law came to my rescue. The other came and grabbed me out of my bed in the early hours of a morning, held a gun to my head and said I must keep quiet and go with him otherwise he will shoot my son, who at that time was 4 years old and sleeping in his room. This guy took me to his car and drove me to a cemetary/grave yard. Made me get out of the car and left me there. I had to walk back to my apartment in my Pyjama shirt, panties and barefoot! I was frantic to get back to my son. I had no idea what this idiot was going to do. All I knew was that my son was alone at home, still sleeping. I have no idea how far I walked, but I made it back by around 04:00am and I think it was around 01:30am when he grabbed me out of bed. Oh, and the reason he did this was because I was not at home when he called earlier that evening!!! The next day I had a restraining order filed against him and changed the locks on my door. He still had the nerve to try and come back but my friend, who lived opposite me was thankfully a police woman and she arrested him when I called out for help. Gosh, the things that I have been through. I can just shake my head in amazement. Getting back to you and me. Do you now see why I say my time with you was the happiest time of my life? You always put a smile on my face and I thank you for that. Thank you for loving me the way I deserved to be loved. You are always in my heart. I remember all the good things! A love that I will treasure!! I found that funny song as below but I could not find the animated version...have a good laugh mi gaupo...because I am :D

If I Lose Myself...

The Satchel

For many of us there is still some sadness of things we had to say goodbye to, either a relationship, moving, moving to a new geographical area, some of us have had a parent cross, or even both parents, or a close friend. Some of us have had to place parents into facilities. For some of us there have been such huge changes in our lives that there is a deep sadness, or melancholy that goes along with us. It's like we are moving through the streets of a big city with this gaiety and happiness, but then we carry a satchel or a suitcase or a brief case filled with these sad memories, these sad places, these sad occasions that we have had over the past years that have left us feeling somewhat baffled, some of us confused and some of us feeling on a low plane in terms of self-worth. Even though we have this satchel of sadness, this suitcase of sadness, this briefcase of sadness, sure, there is some restriction there, some self doubt and some case where we question.  We question life, we question our belief system, we question why we are here, we question why we went through what we did. We question why people treated us the way they did. We question why we couldn't hold something together or why we couldn't break it apart. There are a lot of restrictions in terms of our own self doubt. This is just emotional responses to experiences that have happened in the past. These have caused worry. We have to try and not focus on these areas of our life. We have to try and focus on happiness, try to focus on wonderful, brand new openings, brand new doors that are opening for us. It could be that some of us have the keys to a brand new home, or a brand new office. Some may even have the keys to someone's heart. Some may even get married. The sadness is not there to hold us back. The sadness is a reminder. A reminder to lift us, to have the wisdom to help other's in our path to overcome experiences that we have already dealt with. There will come a time for us when it will be necessary to put the satchel down, to leave the briefcase at the subway, to leave the suitcase right there at the bus depot. There are times we have to cut our losses and run. We just have to say "You know what? I don't know why it is, but it is and I have to move forward". We have to see and believe that there is going to be great positive movement in at least one  aspect of our life. Many of us will feel it in multiple aspects of our lives. We have Christmas celebration coming up for most.  If not Christmas it will be a celebration of another kind. It is a time for friends, family and family get together's. There are some people who are experiencing family frictions or frictions within a relationship. Perhaps its time for resolution. Time to resolve those frictions. There are many of us who are dealing with long term issues that have been bearing down on us, whether they are broken friendships, broken relationships with family members or with partners. Christmas is a perfect time for healing any one of these issues.  Christmas is meant to be a joyous time. This is a time when we can look forward to many things. It is a time where we can move forward with positive energy into January and beyond. Many of us have paid our dues. We can only go so high as we have been low. Christmas is a time to reach out and make amends.

If its time to put that satchel down, do it. If you need to hang on to it a little bit longer, that's fine, but get the support you need. Resolve these emotional issues as soon as possible so that you can begin to enjoy all the positive situations that arise in your life on the heels of the situations and the circumstances that have been plaguing you for many months in a negative or a challenging way.

Trying Too Hard

When we try too hard to understand others, we can end up becoming confused. "Why did she do that?" "Why did he say this?" "What was the real meaning of this development?" "Have I failed to understand something about that event?" Such questions can drive us round in circles. We try and read between the lines. We over analyse. The questions may never bring forth answers that make true sense. We are far better off living in the moment and relating spontaneously to those who matter most. Take it all as it is said in that moment, because that is where the truth is. This makes life so much easier and less stressful.