Valentines Day Blues

Valentines day came and it went. It is not my favourite day at this point in time. Inevitably around the time of Valentines day my mind wanders to a certain person that was a part of my life. I get angry that I allow this time to affect me the way that it does. Not only this particular day, there are days throughout the year that I also think of this person but Valentines day it seems to hit me hardest. Fortunately this year I was out and about all day with my sisters and my cousin Alina, so being distracted from thoughts was a blessing in disguise. Sunday was also a blessing as we spent the day at my sister Angie. It was Alina's last day with us before flying down to spend time with my sister, Karin, in Cape Town. All was good and well until this morning. I got up and with coffee in hand I stood looking out the window at the new dawn, taking in the freshness of the morning and enjoying the birds song. Watching as the sun plays with the shadows and the curtain gently blows in the breeze. My heart beating ever so quietly to the pulse of the new day. Lost in the moment my thoughts wander to this person. I wonder what their Valentines day was like. Did they spend it with someone special? In the past I would change my FB cover with a Valentines Message. Just something subtle that in the event that they should view my profile that they can see I thought of them. This year however I did not do that. I just thought why should I? This person has clearly iced me out of their lives firstly by deleting me from FB and recently by blocking me from sending any e-mails. I just wanted to be the better person because that is who I am. I tend to forgive others that have hurt me. I may not forget right away but I do forgive them. It is just so hard just to forget and let go. How I wish I had a memory loss of that particular episode. A day that will stay with me forever. Letting go of the hurt that someone who says they love you and could never hurt you is so hard to understand and comprehend. How can you hurt the people you love? I just can't understand that. I don't think I will ever understand. The words they wrote on their profile "I still haven't found what I am looking for" reverberates through my mind constantly. That was a blow below the belt.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I love - I love. Sad that people you let into your life can still hurt you knowing the heart and soul you have. I think it's hard to let go of things that have happened to you because most of the time you never get an answer as to why it happened and that's what you struggle with - thinking, wondering and surmising the why's of it all. It takes time to let go of the struggle you have with things. I have finally come to the understanding that even though I still don't understand why this person did what they did. It's not a problem that I need to deal with, it's a problem that they need to deal with. I try and reassure myself that it's not about me at all, the hurt and the disappointment. At some stage you have to walk away and not look back, knowing that in time none of it really mattered and you can then be free of the struggle you had with it. Stay Positive, Think Positive, Be Positive. What else can you do when you have done your best to make amends and it goes on deaf ears. But letting go hurts when you love someone. This sounds good in print but it's so very, very difficult to do with someone you deeply love. You may 'think' you've let it go but it always haunts you and that is what I am dealing with. The haunting!! Perhaps I cannot let go as I never had the time for closure. They had closure. They made the decision for themselves to cut me out of their lives. I never had that. It takes time. I have forgiven them for hurting me the way they did but perhaps it is time to now forgive myself. I have to forgive myself for allowing this person to hurt me. Time to heal my heart from the pain. Then, maybe I can find peace again, maybe it will be time to forget as well. Perhaps then the haunting will end. Perhaps I will then open myself up to the love that I truly deserve. Ha, great advice. I just wish I could follow it! I guess the big question here is...am I able to let it go??? I guess the answer is gonna be NO!! The song right at the end of this post is so perfect and oh so beautiful and just so relative to this post. Love it!

I see more than you know,
about all that you are,

and through my observations,

and from my analysis,

I've concluded that

I love you.

Not a theory,

quite simply a fact -

I love you,

and that's that.