Friday, March 27, 2015

Her Words

Love a girl who writes,
                      and live her many lives;
                               you have yet to find her,
                                         beneath her words of guise.

Kiss her blue inked fingers,

                  forgive the pens they marked.
                             The stain of your lips upon her -
                                         the one she can't discard.

Forget the tattered memories,

                     or the pages others took;
                                    you are her ever after -
                                              the hero of her book.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

My Best Version

I can't say I am proud of my past but I can say I am proud of my scars. I am proud of the fact that I have learned from my mistakes. I have gone through some dreadful situations and I learned that all things in life don't work out in your favour. I know who my true friends are. I will not allow random people to manipulate me with sugar coated bitter pills and sweet talking. I can't guarantee I'll be able to walk around with a smile on my face but I will not shed my tears for people who are fake and who have back stabbed me. No matter how much people try to shatter me, break me or knock me down, I will keep trying till I get what I want. I am determined to survive and in the end I will know I did my best. I love my new version and I am determined to make it my best version.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

What Advice Would I Give My Younger Self

Now that I am in my 40’s and I know what I know now, what advice would I give to my 23 year old self?

I really thought about that question and this was my answer…

Don’t hold back if being your authentic self, my true self, makes the people around me uncomfortable! Say no when I mean no! Be honest about how I feel, what I want in MY life, how I want to spend MY time and with whom I want to spend my time and how I want to live MY LIFE! Always follow your heart and if something brings tears of joy to your eyes and makes you feel so happy you can’t stand it ALWAYS follow it!

Sunday, March 22, 2015

I Don't Want A Relationship

I don’t want a relationship, they hold you back. I want a best friend I can sleep with and make love to, hustle with, travel with, shop with, go out and about with and live with. I want a partner in crime, a life partner. Someone that I can laugh with and build with. Somebody that I can trust with my heart, my money and my life. Somebody I’m not afraid to lose because I know they will always be there. Relationships just aren’t for me but a partnership, I’ll take that any day.

I probably should have tried harder to stay married. But my ex and I did not want the same things, and to add to that he became physically abusive when he had too much to drink. I was not prepared to stay and be the punch bag that he needed to take his frustrations out on. So I left and got divorced. I opted to raise my son on my own after finally realising that I was not going to get the financial support I needed from my ex-husband after our divorce. After the divorce I was much too interested in my own career and where it was going. I wanted to build myself up in life and give my son the stability and financial security he needed. I was on an express train all by myself. I did not even notice that no one else was on it, and I didn’t care back then, although I do now. I’d like someone on that train with me, it’s not going quite as fast. It’s going at a good clip, but there’s room for someone else on board. There never was before. The relationships I had after my divorce were really empty one’s. No one was on board for the long haul. My interest in finding someone for the long haul eventually dwindled. Probably what I regret most now is that I didn’t put any time and effort into finding someone else. Actually, in retrospect, I did try a few years ago. I did and said something that ended the relationship, to this day I am still not quite sure what that was, only some idea. One minute I thought I was in a relationship and the next I was out in the cold. One day I woke up and found myself all by myself, and there’s no one in the station wanting to get on the train anymore. I’ve just been flying by too fast. I don’t want to end up alone one day, when I am really old, but it could happen. I didn’t stop at enough stations and let anyone else on board. By the time I figured that out, well, it’s probably too late to change that now. I have raised my son, I am in pursuit of a new venture, but if I am all alone, I’m not sure the accomplishments mean that much. Perhaps it’s not too late for someone to get on that train with me. I guess I just have to slow down long enough for someone to get on board. Perhaps I need to change tactics and instead of being on the train, perhaps I should get off the train! I just have to believe that things will turn out okay for me and in my life someday. I ask myself what does “turning out okay” mean to me? My answer would have to be that I just want to be happy, peaceful and have no big drama in my life. Sharing my life with someone, IF it’s the right person, not if it isn’t. I don’t want to do that anymore. Good health obviously, but that is kind of an old fart answer. Mostly just being happy and loving someone and being loved by him, and feeling good in my own skin. I also realise that life never happens on the schedule you want, and I think I am kind of past all that now. Why would I say that you may wonder, well it’s simple really. Let’s face it, women my age are not a high commodity on the market. Men my age want to go out with women much younger. No one’s looking for a forty seven year old woman, except maybe ninety-year-old guys! The eighty-year olds are taking Viagra and also looking for twenty-five-year-olds. That’s simple fact. I just don’t have a lot of illusions left about it. I used to, but I don’t anymore. I used to go to psychics and they  would tell me that I would meet a terrific man. I think they just said that to give me hope. It never happened, or hasn’t in a hell of a while. I guess I have also realised that it is no fun in getting old. You just cannot lie to the camera anymore, although God knows I try. I also find myself exercising a lot harder than I used to. The vanity of it is a little embarrassing, and I think my son thinks I’m pretty silly. It just makes me feel better if I look a little younger. I actually don’t know why we are so obsessed with age, but we are. It’s hard to live up to any age. I know thirty-year-old women who feel old.  Someone suggested the other day that I should perhaps look at a younger guy. Like thirty five or twenty five. Demi Moore set the trend for that. I actually know a fifty-five-year-old woman who has a twenty-five-year old boyfriend. She says she loves it. I would feel stupid. I have never seen a boy that age who appealed to me. I like grown-ups, and I think that would just make me feel older. I don’t want to sleep with a man young enough to be my child. Besides, I want to share common life experiences, similar points of view and concerns. What do you have in common with someone that age? That’s really about sex, not love. I may be old fashioned, but I’d like to have both. And if I were going to sacrifice something, it would be sex, not love.  In that respect I am true to myself and always have been. I know who I am and what I want and what I am willing to sacrifice. I don’t think it is easy to find anyone at any age anymore. Look at all the people in their twenties and thirties trying to find dates on the internet. That already tells you something, that it’s not as easy to find people as it used to be. I don’t know why, but I think it’s true. People are better informed, more particular. They also know themselves better. Women don’t just want a guy to pay the bills, and they are not willing to put up with anything to get it, they want a partner. That narrows the field considerably. There are always the guys out there who throw the balance off, dating twenty-year-olds, which leaves the women in their early, mid and late forties, even early fifties, with no one to go out with, except some Neanderthal who’s watching TV and drinking beer and does not know who the hell he is or care. So what is the answer? I don’t know what the answer is. I suspect I will probably find the right person by accident one day. And ten to one it will be someone I never thought it would be, or what I actually wanted. I think we have to stay open to what comes along. I think that is the real secret to life, staying open, interested, excited, learning about life, trying new things, meeting new people. Whatever happens, have a good time, and if the right person turns up while you’re doing that, terrific. If not, at least you’re having fun. I think it’s when we start to shut down, give up, and limit our options that life starts to be over. I don’t want that to ever happen to me. I want to keep opening new doors till the day I die, whenever that is, whether it’s tomorrow, or when I am ninety-nine. The day you stop opening doors, and give up on those new opportunities, you might as well be dead. That is what I believe anyway. I will keep opening those doors until the day I find that man, my partner.
A man who can navigate the wild tangle of my mind, past the castles it builds and around the mythical creatures it conceives, to pursue the truth beneath my story.
A man who can kiss me both tenderly and fiercely. Whose hands I can trust to know my every freckle and fold and to hold me as I shudder with ecstasy or with grief. A man who can magic away all hurts with those same lips, and teach the ultimate art of fort-building with those same hands.
A man who anchors me.
A man that can look into my eyes and know my quiet power but patiently wipe away my loud, impetuous tears of frustration at things that don’t matter. Even when he knows I know better, am better.
A man who adores my flesh and bones, who sees my heart, but doesn’t shy away from my ugliness, my realness. Who isn’t bothered by my morning breath and in emergencies only, lets me poop while he’s in the shower. A man who holds my hair back when I’ve had too many mojitos on our first night out together in years. Who paints my toenails messily just to help me feel sexy again.
A man who rides the waves of my volatile emotions like an expert seaman through oceans of confusion, pain and self-pity. And he knows just how to steer me calmly back towards the shore of reason and balance every time.
A man who always sees my strength and beauty, even when I can’t. But who will call me on my bullshit too, even when I fool everyone else.
A man who knows that I can be marvelous and mundane at the same time and without conflict, because he understands the magic of the ordinary. He is the same.
A man who reads, questions, fantasises and philosophises but also has X-box binges, leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor and loves a good dirty joke. He is no less magical because of these things.
A man who will debate and sometimes argue with me way past midnight. A man who will walk through life by my side. Through mistakes and heartbreak. Through charmed times and hard times, from holidays on the coast to eggs on toast for dinner for the third time this week because things are tight. Through births and death, from deepest loss to greatest triumph and on all the ordinary days in between.
A man who will be my son’s hero, a man who ‘knows everything about the world’, according to him. A man who will encourage him to be curious, to find out how things work and how to improve them.
A man who loves me for all that I am. Who is by my side not because of some vows he made or a spell I cast over him or because I am his fairy princess but because I am “home”.
A man who understands that what we have will be sometimes messy, sometimes difficult, sometimes complicated, not always magical but always, always real.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the one worth suffering for." - Bob Marley 

Honesty Is The Best Policy

If honesty is the best policy, why do we sometimes fail to tell the truth? Perhaps, though we recognise that candour can only bring the right result in the end, we worry about what may happen before we get to the end! We may fear that an admission will bring an undesirable reaction and we don't want to face the storm that then blows up, even if it is only temporary. A policy of buying time probably can be applied but like a dodgy, high interest rate loan, it will vastly increase the price that must eventually be paid. Is that price really worth it in the end?

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

You're My California

Song from the final episode of Season 6 - Californication. Quiero decir Te amo pero soy un mill√≥n de millas de distancia y estoy pensando en ti te echo de menos...mi guapo...mi California.

"My California"

Calling California is there anybody home
Hello California won't you please pick up the phone
I wanna say I love you but I'm a million miles away
And I am thinking of you I miss you and LA

For you and you alone I'll lay my monsters down
And we'll watch the sun come up over California
For you and you alone I'll find my way back home
And I'll love you like the sun loves California
You're my California

I have made you suffer left you waiting in the rain
While I was chasing demons in the deserts of my pain
You know me better than the poison in my veins
So my love remember when God forgets my name

For you and you alone I'll lay my monsters down
And I'll watch the sun come up over California
For you and you alone I'll find my way back home
And I'll love you like the sun loves California
My California

I wanna feel the ocean breeze
Let the waves wash over me            

I'll leave my winters in the sand
Hey California...California

For you and you alone I'll lay my monsters down
And we'll watch the sun come up over California
For you and you alone I'll find my way back home
And I'll love you like the sun loves California
California...You're my California

My California...You're my California

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Just A Woman

Just a woman?

Oh hell no!

I am a big cup of wonderful,

covered in awesome sauce,

with a splash of bitch,

and a dash of crazy.

You be sure to remember that!

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Love’s Philosophy

By Percy Bysshe Shelley 1792–1822

The fountains mingle with the river
   And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix for ever
   With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
   All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle.
   Why not I with thine?—

See the mountains kiss high heaven
   And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
   If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth
   And the moonbeams kiss the sea:
What is all this sweet work worth
   If thou kiss not me? 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Cherish Your Dreams

I came across this quote by Napoleon Hill and I absolutely love it!!

"Cherish your visions
and your dreams
as they are the children of your soul,
the blueprints
of your
ultimate achievements".

Monday, March 9, 2015

Internet Dating And Pubs

Firstly I would just like to state that in this post please be advised that these are MY views, MY feelings and MY thoughts as to how I FEEL about Internet Dating and Pubs.  Ok, so let me begin. On the weekend I was considering going onto an Internet Dating Site. The last time that I had a couple of accounts was in 2010/2011 and that was my first attempt at Internet dating. It did not work for me at that time. So this weekend I thought maybe I should try again. I went and had a look at the few sites that I had been on. There are some that I do not like very much as they do not open their portals outside of South African borders, one of which is Badoo. This is an issue for me. Why you may ask? When you have 51million inhabitants in South Africa of which only 3 million are white, well that is a problem for me. It is a problem for me as I am not the type of person who believes in cross cultural relationships. My father was German and my mother was of Polish descent. Even though I was born in South Africa I was raised with European principles, morals and values. I tend to look for a relationship with someone with the same kind of principles, morals and values which basically comes down to finding someone from European descent and not South African descent. I had a look at Dating Buzz and MSN Dating, Match.Com, Lava Place and Connecting Singles. Actually out of all of them the one that I really did like at the time when I tried online dating was Connecting Singles – it is the ONLY one that I have come across that really is free and it has so many nice extras that one can use too and is an International site. In any event I decided to first have a look and did a search of the “potential matches” on these sites before deciding if I would register. While browsing these sites I happened to come across quite a few profiles of guys that I recall being on in 2010/2011. This immediately got my attention and got me thinking about Internet Dating. I made the decision that I would NOT register on any Internet Dating Site. I was thinking that Internet Dating has in fact become something that is really quite harmful to people in the long run. Why do I say that? Well, let me start with the guys that are still on these sites after all these years. I believe that these guys will never find THE ONE at the end of the day because they have in fact become spoilt for choice. Think about it logically. You go and you create a profile. You post your pic and give a spiel about who you are and what your likes are. Then you sit back and wait for your matches. Next thing you see you have had, let’s say for example 100 likes/new friends/favourites/matches – whatever the site chooses as options and let’s say 400 views. You are only human and realistically you are going to feel good about yourself. Now it comes to chatting to the 100 favourites and somewhere along the line you set up to meet. Let’s now say this guy meets 20 of his favourites. How on earth does he now choose because each and every one of these individuals is unique in their own way. Let’s say out of the 20 there are 5 that there really is absolutely no chemistry with at all or they are just some nut job!! That leaves this guy with 15 women!! So now what stops this guy from dating Mandy on Monday night. Carol on Tuesday night. Lucille on Wednesday night. Mary on Thursday night and Lara on Friday night and perhaps Tracy on Saturday night. Sunday he recuperates and comes the new week he starts all over again with the next lot and back at the ranch he tells Mandy, Carol, Lucille, Mary, Lara and Tracy some bullshit story that he is hectically busy at work and will see them the next week on whichever day he now chooses!! Let’s be real here and say that out of all these 15 girls that he is now “dating” that 8 of them put themselves out there – with this I mean they are easy girls. He gets to kick off his rocks with 8 of these girls whenever he feels like it – so why would he now want to date only 1 girl when he can have his fun with 8 of them? See my point? In plain and simple terms one would label this kind of guy a Player!!  The same goes for some women out there. I am not saying every one of them is easy but hey, sadly and realistically there are those out there who jump in the sack with every Tom, Dick and Harry! And each of those women are also playing the same game as those guys. Those women are also bullshitting the guys that they have gone out with. It was this thought that made me decide not to register on any Internet Dating Site. I don’t want to end up with a Player that has hundreds of other women at his beck and call. Never mind the STD’s!! The other issue is the bullshit that SOME of these guys put on their profiles. Some are really quite laughable. The profile heading will say for example, Jack Smith, 50 year old from Texas and then in his spiel he will say “Hi my name is Jack. I am a 62 year old male from Texas” Really?? Dude there is a huge difference between 50 and 62!! Then there are other’s who have so many different profiles with different names but they have the same profile pic. Again I say “Really??” Do you think I was born under a chicken or what?? I don’t know – maybe there are some women out there who are really that stupid not to see what is actually staring them in the face. I am also assuming that these guys with all the different profiles do so in order to build up their Ego, if I may call it that. Realistically what happens over time is that you find that because your profile has been on the site for so long that you lose views. So what do they do? They create another profile to gain new favourites and new views because some women out there think that this is a new member. I am now quite relieved that I did not register on any site as I now realise that I really am not interested in putting myself through all of that bullshit. I will rather retain my self respect for myself and develop an actual relationship in the real world with a guy who has respect for himself and for me, someone who still believes in morals and values, someone who still believes in true love!! In conclusion, I think if you are ONLY looking to chat to people and not date, then by all means go for Internet dating as there are all sorts out there that will amuse you to no end.  So now where does one meet a kindred soul to actually date? At the Pub perhaps? This is also a good question. Could you really meet someone “nice” in a pub? Hmmmmmm. From my experience on this scene again I would have to say not likely either. I on the rare occasion do go out to Pubs with my friends to see what is out there. But that is what it boils down to – just to go and have a look and nothing more. I have to say though that yes, in the past I have met some fairly nice guys at the pub but certainly not dating material. It was nice to just meet the regular guys, have a chat and a beer and then you each go your separate ways after the beer and see each other again the next time you went to that Pub again. But now a days to actually find someone to date in a pub. No. Here I would say it comes down to the same scenario as with Internet dating. There are just so many bull shitters out there and if they are not bull shitters then they are alcoholics or drug addicts. The world we live in right now really is quite frightening! My friends and I also insist that if a guy is going to buy us a drink that the waiter brings our drinks to the table and opens them in front of us. These days you just cannot trust anyone! There have been so many cases where a guy buys a drink for a girl and then at the bar when no one is looking he slips Rohypnol into her drink. When she finally comes around she finds that she was raped by the bastard.  Then on top of that you get these women that are just so easy and you kind of just look at these women and you have to ask yourself “What is wrong with you woman?” “Are you really that stupid? Or are you really that desperate?” About two weeks ago my friends and I were at the Baron. We got a table out on the balcony and sat there watching this one woman about two tables away from us. She had this long sun dress on. Clearly no underwear and she clearly had one too many already. She first stood at the table dancing and swaying to the music and kept lifting her dress up higher and higher, eventually she was on top of the table. One of the guys at the table then pulled her off the table and started dancing with her. His hands all over her. Eventually it was really getting quite ridiculous. They were smooching much better. A guy from one of the other tables opposite us eventually said “For Fuck sakes go get a room!”. We all laughed at the pun which I don’t think he originally intended. Anyway these two then disappeared for a while. Lord only knows where they went as there is no hotel in close proximity to the Baron. My guess is probably the car. It was not long the next thing here this woman comes back again minus the man. He obviously got what he wanted and probably went home. Next thing here she starts her antics again and blow me down with a feather, she has the next dude feeling her up! I just could not believe what I was seeing! You know what? There is a time and a place for everything but honestly to make yourself so cheap! What can I say? Each to his/her own. Whatever shakes your milkshake!! If that makes you happy then kudos to you. I personally just find that so cheap. So to end off – after all of that, I guess I will remain single a good while longer!!  The Universe will bring me someone when the time is right and in the right place. Perhaps in the supermarket? Lol!

Sunday, March 1, 2015

So Grateful That I Am Alive

Today, 1 March is CANSA Shavathon and today is the day that I am even more grateful to God that I am alive.  CANSA Shavathon is one of South Africa’s best-loved events in support of a very worthy cause, namely showing solidarity with those affected by cancer. Losing one’s hair is a common side-effect of cancer therapy – so shaving your head has become a symbolic gesture of support for cancer survivors.  Shavathon embraces volunteers. Their support is invaluable. I take my hat off and make a bow to my fellow cancer survivors and I say a prayer in honour of those who sadly were not strong enough to survive. I pray every day for those who have to face this health challenge.  Every morning when I open my eyes I thank God for giving me another beautiful day.  I truly am grateful every day that I open my eyes!!  When you go through the journey of fighting for another day you really and truly look at the world through different eyes. You notice and appreciate the things that you encounter on a daily basis very differently to other people. You also appreciate all the people in your life, even those that wronged you in some way or another.  You just feel so blessed to have so many people in your life.  The minor issues of everyday life do not affect you the way they did before. There really is no point in getting upset over the small things in life anymore. You find you are just so much stronger and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are just so much more. I do not wish chemo on anyone!! The whole of 2013 was one helluve journey for me and many others that accompanied me on my journey. On my 4th chemo I nearly gave up. They say that your 4th is your worst one and if you can make it through that one then you will make it through all of them. My last chemo was on 20 August 2013.  I made many new friends who went through the same challenge and sadly, lost quite a few too who were just not strong enough to survive!  One also just goes through so many emotions. The treatment really does play havoc with your mind, body and soul never mind the fact that you lose your hair and eyelashes and some of my friends even lost their finger and toe nails! The operations were just as frightening.  It took three months after my final chemo before I had a full head of hair again as well as having eyelashes again. I am grateful to Dr Carol Benn and her team and I am grateful to the team at the Charlotte Maxeke Oncology Clinic.  I am grateful to Dr Dimitri Liakos and Dr Zinn – my plastic surgeons who were responsible for my breast implants and last, but not least, I am grateful to God for making me the woman I am today.....
In this pic I remember I had chemo the day before and still felt quite weak. I was also quite apprehensive about appearing with my new wig and my false eyelashes.

Here I felt a lot more confident with my wig and my false eyelashes.

This is where my hair really started growing again.

I have now already had my third haircut and I really have taken to preferring short hair. This is what my hair used to look like - before my treatment.