Friday, April 22, 2016

Where Is The Happy Ending

I sit here tonight and reflect back to the start of this year or let me rephrase that to the beginning after the holiday at the coast. I look back and feel like I have not touched my feet to the ground since then. I feel drained. I am so exhausted! I am finding I am doing stupid things. I put the plums in the biscuit tin. I took a tupperware dish out of the cupboard to place half an onion in. Next day I open the cupboard to take out a plastic dish and am overwhelmed with the smell of onion. I discover the plastic dish with the onion inside the cupboard instead of the fridge. I sit on the couch in the evening to watch some television to distract my racing mind but I never get to see the program as I fall asleep. I feel like I am spinning in a chair that at the same time is running on a rollercoaster. I am sitting here staring through scrunched up eyes. What has happened to my life that ran like clock work? Everything ran so smoothly at one point in my life. I had time to exercise. I had time for boxing. I had time for yoga. I had time for meditation. I had time to be with friends. I had time for work. I had time for watching television and I had time to read a book. That all ended when I was informed that the units in the complex I was living in were being sold. I had to find a new place to stay. I then had to arrange a removal van. Arrange a new telephone line. Then the packing started and it was then I realised this is just not so easy as it was many years ago. Then the move happened and it just felt like it was never coming to an end. I planned that it would all go smoothly. I brought all the boxes over on the weekend and hung the curtains. The big stuff would come the Monday. It was all supposed to go smoothly but eventually it turned out to be a fetch and dump scenario. I thought I could do the move with two loads, it turned out to be four loads! Then my cat goes missing the next day. She found a gap and bolted. Then I started searching for her. Walking around the neighbourhood, eventually spreading my search out further and further. Going back to the old place and searching there. In between trying to still unpack and trying to run a business. And I find myself doing everything on my own. My son is too busy. My friends live too far. My other friend was then also packing and moving. The places I have gone into to search for my cat makes me shudder. Going in to fields where the grass is over my head, stepping over large clumps of brambles and bushes, crawling through the gaps in broken walls! Sliding over snake holes. And this all in a country where you put your life at risk. Going to complexes late at night because that is the time that cats generally come out. Then hearing gun shots around me. Police sirens and people shouting. That all happened three times in one week! Then hearing that a woman was attacked and robbed in a field where I had walked the day before. But, hey, that's me. I love my cat. I have had her for 12 years. I cannot just abandon her. I know she is out there and I know I will eventually find her. I just feel that I am in a never ending race. Yes, I live in a new home. I have finally unpacked. But, I cannot say I actually feel at home. I don't. I know I have a roof over my head. I know where my bed is and where the kitchen is. It is supposed to be my home but it just does not feel like home. I have never in my life felt like this. Its like I am living in some strange kind of.....I cannot find the word to describe what this feels like!! I feel like a frigging alien on another planet! To top it all I have to deal with this woman here in the complex. She is the chairperson of the home owners association. My G-d - what a bitch!! I do not know what I have done to this woman but for some reason she just does not like me. The other residents here reckon she feels threatened by me. I guess this move has just not been what I wanted. So I ask myself - Where is the happy ending? When will I feel like I am at home? When will I eventually find time to do what I love most? When will I feel like I actually belong somewhere or to someone? Where is the happy ending?....What has happened to me? I have always been a positive person. I have always been able to face any challenge, any obstacle. I have always chosen to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Where is that person? That happy, go-lucky person! I need to find her again....

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