The Outsider - What I have learnt about myself, my character/personality

Looking back now I realise that I had very authoritarian parents.  Obviously my Dad more so than my mother.  As I mentioned very early on in Part 3, he ruled with his iron fist!  There were a lot of rules.  My upbringing obviously shaped the person I was to become and am today.  There are traits and characteristics that I have, and I have had the opportunity to change the parts of my personality that I was not happy with. 

Due to the way I was raised, as an adult I flaunt my independence in the face of almost any authority.  I used to be extremely compliant, quiet and co-operative.  I often got into fights and this I have toned down tremendously.  I had high expectations of myself and others – I still have high expectations of myself and criticise myself mercilessly for the smallest mistakes, however I have certainly learnt not to be too critical of others.  I hate surprises as I never want to be caught off guard or ill-prepared, this I am still working on.  I draw great satisfaction from accomplishing something, am competitive and I used to have a problem with my temper.  My Dad had the most terrible temper!! I still draw great satisfaction from accomplishing something – this is not such a bad thing surely as I take pride in what I have achieved!  I also used to have low self-esteem and based my self-worth solely on my performances.  I had to learn to remind myself that I am not important only for what I do, I matter for who I am.  I had to change my internal dialogue by avoiding self-defeating talk.  My memories dredged up feelings of resentment.  Here I had to make a bad memory good.  I will remember them but I use them as motivation.  I had to find out what is the positive side of each hurtful memory.  As the last born and to avoid feeling so “alone” I am certainly more social and outgoing due to me seeking out friends when I was a child to escape the home.  As a result of that I would say I am uncomplicated, spontaneous and humorous.  The end result being that I have strong people skills.  So in hindsight – perhaps I am a better person today due to the way I was raised….Most importantly what I have to do is forgive my father for the emotional and verbal abuse.  Bitterness, prolonged anger and resentment are emotional toxins. 

The day’s of feeling like an Outsider are finally gone!!!!  My new year’s motto for 2011:  Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and ... never regret anything that made you smile.